Time to Say Farewell

Well, I can officialy say that I am jobless. Yes, but on my own accord, thank the Lord. Last Friday I painfully decided to quiet Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm sure your wondering, why? Well, I'm still wondering that myself, but I think what it all boils down to is the simple fact that, I was not taking care of myself, I was unhealthy and it was affecting every aspect of my life, and the most important thing was suffering and that is school.

If you havent figured out already, I am a ALL or NOTHING person. I have always been the person to give you everything and forget about the other things in life that need attention. Well, work was getting my "everything" and school was suffering, and with 6 weeks left in the semester I had to cut the ties with the job.

Although, I have learned so much while working at BWW, more than I ever thought possible. I have learned that an education is so very important and that it's worth fighting to get one, because being a life-long server is a really depressing job. I've been exposed to so many things, some of which I would rather not have been exposed to, but those are the things that make you really see what you want in life, and I really saw what I wanted....I might have had to stumble to get to see it, but I see it.

So, since I don't have a job, my time is now being spent getting better and beefing up in school.

I've had one of the hardest couple weeks of my entire life and the week before Spring Break, I was just about ready to throw the towel in and check out. I'm not one to balance well. I don't deal with stress at all and when balance and stress collide, it's a deadly combo for me. I deisre so bad to one day be able to handle those two things because they are made to intertwine into our lives, but as of right now I'm learning the hard way.

Recently, with all that has been going on, I have been thinking of the things that my life has throw at me, the things that I have to walk through and the situations that I have been in and how they have shaped me into being the woman I am today. I have one of the best mothers in the world, someone who is upfront and honest with me, when no one else is. She tells me how it is and I may be crying in the moment and just want her to confort me and say that 'everything is going to be ok' she is the first ot say, 'tough shit, Molly, this is life!' Yes, that's Kim for ya, but I see where I get my attitude from. Mom tells me things that doctors tip-toe around, she tells me things that hurt, but they are said because I sometimes live in a world where I don't deal with this illness everyday and a world where I'm just fine nad always will be. She brings me back down to earth and shows me that NO I'm not fine and that the things that I wish for, may not ever happen because of the cirucmstances I have.

So, let's cut to the chase and just spill the beans here. Please pray for the coming weeks, as I am going to meet with a new doctor about some new treatments that might help me and make me a more balanced, lively, happier person. Please pray that when the moment comes again for me to give up, that I somehow muster the strength to get through it and not give up (even though it is the easy thing at the time to do). I have to keep reminding myself that the Lord is good, even though I havent stepped foot into a church since December 24, 2008! Yes, why should I be loved? I have no clue, but I do know that the Lord is drawing me closer to him and that one day I will be able to turn to him and see his beauty and see that all the things he allowed me to walk through was well worth it.

Finding your Place

This week is South's S/B, and the roomie and I took a mini-road trip to the "L.A of the South" the good ole' Atlanta! Now for anyone who has ever lived in a bigger city than 500,000 people, you know that it's a totally different way of life. Well, I LOVE IT! I think that I have always been a city girl at heart, the fast paced life-style, the night life, the people, the shopping, the food, just everything makes me smile and made me want to head back to Mobile and pack up and move!!!

The main reason for our trip was to go and see one of my favorite artists...ADELE!! And as I found out, that her C.D does her no justice what so ever. Her voice is a true gift from above, because throughout the entire show I kept getting chill bumps. And what astonishes me more is that she 20!! My age, and already has won a Grammy, is headline her own tour, and doing what she loves the most in this life....singing :)

So "finding your place" comes in, in the simple fact that its inevitable that I am going to graduate from South and move away from Mobile. I plan on moving away, but it's where I find that place is up in the air. I compair falling in love with a city with high school students going and touring college campuses. It's the same thing, you either love it or you hate it. So, I fell in love with Atlanta. Emma thought it was crazy because I was ok with sitting in traffic, I was ok with the smell at times, and I was ok with the people(let me tell you that large cities are the "melting pot" of every culture).....I love that.

One of Adele's songs that she sings is called "Hometown Glory", it's basically about her hometown, London, but you can relate it to every city.

"Hometown Glory"

I've been walking in the smae way as I did

Missing out the cracks inthe pavement

And tutting my heal and strutting my feet

Is there anything I can do you dear?

Is there anyone I could call?

No and thank you please madame

I ain't lost just wandering

Round my hometown

Memories are fresh

Round my homwtown

Oh the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of this world

Are the wonders now

I like it in the ciy

When the air is so thick and opaque

I lvoe to see everybody in short skirts

shorts and shades

I like it in the city when two worlds collide

You get the people and the governement

Everybody taking different sides

Show'sthat we ain't gonna stant shit

Shows that we are united

Shows that we ain't gonna take it

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit

Show that we are united

Round my hometown

Memories are fresh

Round my hometwon

On the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of this world

Are the wonders of my world.

I'm going to that "place" and when I move there it's going to be full of exciting things and this trip has made me want to get back and kick butt in school, so I can one day be in that city of lights, of excitement, of dreams, and of new people to meet. Because, one thing that I have found out, is that this life is way to short to NOT do the things you want. If you want it, go and get it!

The journey we must take

I sometimes wish that life came with a handbook, that had all the insturctions on how to deal with situations. But the more I think about that, the more I think that, that would be like playing God. So, that's no good.

I can't begin to write at how hard life is for me currently. I'm hurting in so many ways and I don't know where to start in finding out how to deal and heal with the things that have happened.

Let's just say that I don't deal with stress or situations well, and when I am put in a stressful situation I shut down. I literly make myself both mentally sick and physiclly sick. Well I'm in that place right now.

Maybe this is just a fork in the road, where I get to chose what path I take. Or, maybe this is a mini- 20 year old crisis. What ever it is, it needs to end fast because I refuse to live this way. The feeling of being trapped in your own body is so painful and sad. For the past week, all I have done it seems is cry. Is do things that are so out of character for me and really make me hate my life and myself in the end. I have done things that I'm not proud of, I have been to places that are beyond me and as I look back and see what I have done, I shiver with disgust, but cry because I didn't have a clue where i was or what I was doing at the time. My brain and body don't connect, when I'm in a hyper-manic stage....something that I pray no one has to endure. And for those of you who do suffer from 'bipolar disorder' you understand what I'm saying.

But, today I have a new feeling and this is the feeling of overwhelming sadness. This is the feeling of where do I belong in this life. what do I live for? Can I ever be happy and smile and laugh again? All these things run through my head because I desire to be happy, and to laugh until it hurts, but I feel like I don't deserve those things. I feel like I'm suffering because of my sinfulness and I don't deserve to enjoy the beauty of life and all the things that make someone happy.

Yes, I have a wonderful family that loves me dearly, and friends that would bend over backward for me if I needed anythign. But all those things don't fill the gap and hole that is in my life. That gap can't be filled by anyone or anything it has to be filled by me and my own doing. I have to take the leap of faith and learn to deal with situations in life and not turn to other things or people to fill those voids that I have ultimatly created.

I want to be able to feel loved, and to be in a relationship and be carefree and just in general love life. I want to be that girl that has a zest for the small things, the things that make you just want to jump for joy, and I want to be the girl that smiles and makes the entire room light up...because I was that girl at one time and it wasnt that far ago that I was that person. I want to be that person again. I want to be able to go to school and love it, and want to learn and desire to meet new people. I want to be able to see new things with a new set of eyes and not walk with my head down never really seeing what's right infront of me.

It's hard enough being a college studnet and a 20 year old girl, that suffers from being "bipolar." it's hard to get up every morning and put on a facade like no one else can. It gets old and you get to a breaking point where you think to yourself, "what am I doing?"

So, "what am I doing?" Really, what am I doing here, why am I at South, why am I working my ass off and pleasing everyone else and not sitting down and pleasing Molly, why?

To tell you the truth it's killing me, literlly killing me. It sucks being trapped in your own body and having no place to go, and no place to hid you are just there, trapped with nothing to do but wait it out. And like me, I'm on this rollar-coaster and there is no getting off until the ride has ended.

Let's Dance the Night Away!!

Last Saturday (21st) I went to my very frist Mardi Gras ball, MOT or (Mystics of Time)!!! It was so much fun. I think what was so much fun, was getting ready and dancing the night away. I wasn't that excited about going because the guy that I was suppose to go with had an emergency the nigth before and had to go out of town, so I was dateless up until Saturday morning and then Matt came to the resuce!!!! My really good friend Katrina and I went together with our dates and it was so much fun. I think the pictures will describe just how much fun it was:)

(Phillip, Malik, Harrie, Katrina, Matt, Me)

(Let me explain: after the ball the group walked from the Civic Center downtown to Dauphin Street......it was COLD and drizzling and I found a vent that was blowing hot air....well to say the least I was being windblown.....Harrie got a hot-dog and in midbit the picture was taken!!!)

And this is how the night ended!!!