The journey we must take

I sometimes wish that life came with a handbook, that had all the insturctions on how to deal with situations. But the more I think about that, the more I think that, that would be like playing God. So, that's no good.

I can't begin to write at how hard life is for me currently. I'm hurting in so many ways and I don't know where to start in finding out how to deal and heal with the things that have happened.

Let's just say that I don't deal with stress or situations well, and when I am put in a stressful situation I shut down. I literly make myself both mentally sick and physiclly sick. Well I'm in that place right now.

Maybe this is just a fork in the road, where I get to chose what path I take. Or, maybe this is a mini- 20 year old crisis. What ever it is, it needs to end fast because I refuse to live this way. The feeling of being trapped in your own body is so painful and sad. For the past week, all I have done it seems is cry. Is do things that are so out of character for me and really make me hate my life and myself in the end. I have done things that I'm not proud of, I have been to places that are beyond me and as I look back and see what I have done, I shiver with disgust, but cry because I didn't have a clue where i was or what I was doing at the time. My brain and body don't connect, when I'm in a hyper-manic stage....something that I pray no one has to endure. And for those of you who do suffer from 'bipolar disorder' you understand what I'm saying.

But, today I have a new feeling and this is the feeling of overwhelming sadness. This is the feeling of where do I belong in this life. what do I live for? Can I ever be happy and smile and laugh again? All these things run through my head because I desire to be happy, and to laugh until it hurts, but I feel like I don't deserve those things. I feel like I'm suffering because of my sinfulness and I don't deserve to enjoy the beauty of life and all the things that make someone happy.

Yes, I have a wonderful family that loves me dearly, and friends that would bend over backward for me if I needed anythign. But all those things don't fill the gap and hole that is in my life. That gap can't be filled by anyone or anything it has to be filled by me and my own doing. I have to take the leap of faith and learn to deal with situations in life and not turn to other things or people to fill those voids that I have ultimatly created.

I want to be able to feel loved, and to be in a relationship and be carefree and just in general love life. I want to be that girl that has a zest for the small things, the things that make you just want to jump for joy, and I want to be the girl that smiles and makes the entire room light up...because I was that girl at one time and it wasnt that far ago that I was that person. I want to be that person again. I want to be able to go to school and love it, and want to learn and desire to meet new people. I want to be able to see new things with a new set of eyes and not walk with my head down never really seeing what's right infront of me.

It's hard enough being a college studnet and a 20 year old girl, that suffers from being "bipolar." it's hard to get up every morning and put on a facade like no one else can. It gets old and you get to a breaking point where you think to yourself, "what am I doing?"

So, "what am I doing?" Really, what am I doing here, why am I at South, why am I working my ass off and pleasing everyone else and not sitting down and pleasing Molly, why?

To tell you the truth it's killing me, literlly killing me. It sucks being trapped in your own body and having no place to go, and no place to hid you are just there, trapped with nothing to do but wait it out. And like me, I'm on this rollar-coaster and there is no getting off until the ride has ended.