My Heart is Full!Ok,

Ok, since I can't sleep I thought that I would resort to spilling my heart out. Of course, there really isn't much to spill but there are a few things that are weighing down on me that I need to get off. '

A) Where did I go wrong?

I had such a wonderful relationship with the Lord up until right before Christmas. I hate to say it, but the last time I stepped foot in a church to worship the Lord was on Christmas Eve. That's pathetic, almost 2 months of not even looking toward the Lord and seeking him. There are times when I want to draw close to him and I see other people and how much they love and adore the Lord, how much they have spent their daily lives living for him. I am just to selfish! I am sure as you read this you will think "Gosh, Molly no need to be so blunt." Well, its the truth. I love the Lord, he has saved me from my sin even though at this very moment I should be tossed into the firey pitts of hell, he has raised me up and called me by name! How is that fair? I am sure there is someone else out there that deserves this more than I do? Right? Why can't I have a deep loving yearning relationship with the Lord, why can't I draw near to him every morning and every night, why is it so hard for me to say a quick prayer on the bus to class in the morning???? WHY? WHY? WHY? I think what it is, is that it's me. I have to make the choice to start living my life the way it would be pleasing to the Lord.

I think what I am waiting to happen is for something ot go major wrong in my life and for me to really just turn it all over to him nad say here you go, I can't live the life I was living.

How do I even turn to the Lord, I almost feel ashamed turning to him and seeking him and asking for him to guide me? Why would he want to after what I have done to him?!